When You’re the Only One Fighting for Your Marriage

Nov 5

There’s nothing quite like the ache of wanting your marriage to heal… while your spouse seems checked out.
You’re reading the books. You’re praying. You’re listening to the podcasts. You’re trying to change how you respond.
And still—nothing seems to move.

It’s lonely. It’s exhausting.
And if you’re not careful, it can quietly harden your heart.

You start wondering, “Why am I the only one trying? Why doesn’t he/she care like I do?”
That question can become poison if you let it.

The Lonely Work

When one spouse stops fighting, the other has a decision to make: quit too… or keep showing up.
And here’s the hard truth—sometimes love looks like fighting alone for a season. This was my life the first five years of our marriage.

Not because your spouse “deserves it.” Not because you’re trying to manipulate change.
But because you’re choosing to be faithful to the covenant you made, even when it feels one-sided.

That doesn’t mean you ignore pain, enable bad behavior, or pretend everything’s fine. It means you keep your heart soft before God while you ask Him to do the heavy lifting.

You work on your responses.
You grow your patience.
You keep inviting peace into your home, even when the other person doesn’t reciprocate.

It’s not fair. But it is holy. I did this for five whole years!

What You Can Do

Keep the main thing the main thing.
Your marriage isn’t about proving a point—it’s about reflecting God’s love. Let that truth guide your actions more than your emotions.
Invest in your own healing.
Counseling, prayer, community—get around people who will remind you of truth, not just validate your pain. You can’t pour from an empty, bitter heart.
Pray for your spouse, not against them.
It’s easy to pray, “God, fix them!” But instead, pray, “God, help me love them like You do.” That kind of prayer softens your heart and keeps you grounded in grace. Pray for the person they are becoming.
Set healthy boundaries.
Love doesn’t mean tolerating sin or disrespect. It means creating space for change and accountability—without controlling the outcome.
Celebrate small wins.
Did you respond with patience instead of sarcasm? That’s progress. Did you show kindness when you wanted to withdraw? That’s growth.

Guarding Your Heart from Contempt

Contempt is the slow death of love. It’s that voice that says, “I’m better than you. I’ve done all the work. You’re never gonna change!.”

Once contempt moves in, connection moves out.

The antidote? Gratitude and humility.
Gratitude for what is—even if it’s just a flicker.
Humility to admit you don’t glow in the dark and you’re still learning too.

Keep your eyes on Jesus, not your spouse’s progress report.
He’s the one who can take your surrender, your tears, your lonely effort—and turn it into something redemptive.

If you’re the only one fighting right now, hear this: you’re not crazy for still believing.
You’re not weak for hoping.
You’re walking a narrow, sacred road that many won’t understand—but God does.

Stay tender. Stay prayerful.
And trust that no work done in love is ever wasted.

Because even if your spouse doesn’t change today, you are changing.
And that transformation? It’s worth everything.