How to Handle In-Laws During the Holidays (Without Losing Your Mind or Your Marriage)

Dec 3

If there’s one topic that can turn even the calmest couple into Olympic-level arguers, it’s this:
Where are we spending the holidays?

It’s wild how something meant to be joyful can instantly morph into pressure, guilt, expectations, and a small army of relatives who all somehow believe they deserve your presence first.

But here’s the truth most couples forget:
The holidays aren’t the problem.
The in-laws aren’t even the real problem.
The real problem is walking into the season without a united plan.

Marriage is a team sport.
And nothing exposes whether you’re playing on the same team quite like deciding whose family you’re eating ham with.

So let’s break this down in a way that builds connection rather than chaos.

1. Remember that marriage creates a new family—yours.

Scripture says a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife.
That’s not just a poetic wedding verse. It’s a blueprint.

Your first loyalty isn’t to your parents anymore.
It’s to your spouse.
Your kids.
Your home.

When in-laws pull or pressure, it’s easy to slide back into old patterns and loyalties.
But prioritizing your spouse doesn’t dishonor your parents.
It honors your covenant.

2. Trade guilt for clarity.

Most of the tension around in-laws comes from one thing: unspoken expectations.

Your mom assumes you’ll be there Christmas morning.
His parents assume Christmas Eve is a non-negotiable.
Meanwhile, the two of you are assuming each other “just knows” what the plan is.

Spoiler: no one knows.
So everyone ends up disappointed.

Clarity cures resentment.
Talk early.
Talk honestly.
Talk before your mother texts you the annual “just checking what time you’re coming over” message.

3. Don’t sacrifice your marriage on the altar of keeping the peace.

Some couples burn themselves out trying to make everyone happy.
They run from house to house, event to event, tradition to tradition…
And by the end, they’re tired, short-tempered, disconnected, and sometimes quietly fuming at each other.

Peace with extended family should not cost you peace with your spouse.

Protect your margin.
Protect your sanity.
Protect your marriage.

4. Set boundaries like a united front.

If one spouse communicates all the boundaries and the other hides behind them?
That’s not unity. That’s survival mode with a side of resentment.

Healthy boundaries sound like this:
“We’ve decided…”
“This year we’re choosing…”
“As a family, we’re planning…”

Boundaries get messy when one spouse throws the other under the bus.
Stay shoulder to shoulder.
Present a united voice.
Back each other up.

5. Make space for your own family traditions.

In-laws get a say.
But they don’t get the final say.

You’re building your own story.
Your own rhythms.
Your own memories.

Sometimes that means staying home.
Sometimes that means doing less.
Sometimes it means doing something completely new.

Traditions should bring joy, not obligation.

Five Questions to Talk Through Before Holiday Madness Hits

Grab a coffee, a couch, and each other—and work through these before the season starts.

What matters most to you during the holidays, and why?
Values guide decisions. If you skip this question, everything feels random.
What traditions from your childhood do you want to keep, and which ones can you let go?
Not every tradition deserves an encore.
Where do we each feel pressure or guilt from our families, and how can we support each other?
Expose the pressure so it can’t run the show.
What boundaries do we need to set this year to protect our marriage, our kids, and our energy?
Busyness is not spiritual. It’s just busyness.
How do we want our home to feel this season, and what decisions will help us create that atmosphere?
Lead from vision, not obligation.