Understanding the One You Married

Every person brings two things into marriage: their differences and their story. Both shape how they love, respond, and communicate.

The problem is, most couples spend years trying to change their spouse instead of understanding them.  I was guilty of this early on in our marriage.  If only I could change my spouse, it would be easier for both of us!  Our marriage changed when I learned to understand her history and that the person in front of me was not who I was talking to. 

Your spouse’s reactions, fears, and communication style didn’t start with you — they were formed long before you showed up. Their childhood, past wounds, family patterns, even unspoken expectations — all of it shaped who they are and how they show up in your marriage.

If you want to build connection, you have to become a student of your spouse, not their critic.

Stop assuming. Start asking.
Stop reacting. Start listening.

When you take time to understand their “why,” you’ll finally start communicating to their heart — not just their behavior.  You will learn to speak to the hurt and brokenness from their past that is coming into your marriage and conversations.

Here’s the truth:
You don’t marry a finished product. You marry someone in process, just like you.

The goal isn’t to fix them, it’s to understand them so you can love them fully.

Because the more you understand their past, the greater your ability to walk with and see what's happening to them and not what’s happening to you.