When You Know What to Do… But Don’t Do It

I’ve got a little confession for you. And it’s not the kind of confession that makes me look like a wise, always-has-it-together marriage coach. Nope. This is a real, raw, “been-there” kind of confession.

There was a season in my marriage with Javier where I knew what needed to happen. I knew we needed to connect. I knew we needed to talk—not just about the grocery list or the kids’ schedules—but about us. I knew we needed to pray together. Be intimate. Rebuild connection and some laughter and some “you and me” in the middle of the chaos.

But guess what I did?

Absolutely… nothing.

I mean, I still looked like I was showing up. I was running the household, being a homeschool mom, checking off all the boxes. But in my heart? I had clocked out. I was tired. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling misunderstood. Tired of feeling like if I didn’t initiate it, it wasn’t going to happen.

So instead of doing the work, I sulked. I busied myself. I avoided the awkward moments. I chose silence over vulnerability and distance over connection. I waited for Javier to notice and “fix it,” all while telling myself it was his move this time.

Looking back, the biggest red flag wasn’t even the disconnection between me and Javier—it was my disconnection from God.
My devotion and prayer time was bleak. I had drifted into this spiritual dryness that left me unanchored, unmotivated, and honestly, a little bitter. It’s hard to pour into your marriage when you’re spiritually running on fumes. And at the time, I didn’t see how deeply connected those two things were—my spiritual life and the health of my marriage. But oh, they were.

Let me say this plainly: Knowing what needs to be done in your marriage doesn’t change a thing unless you’re willing to do it.

Eventually, I had to swallow my pride, step out of my emotional cave, and choose to go first. To say something, reach out, be honest, initiate affection—whatever it looked like that day. And even more importantly, I had to return to the feet of Jesus. I had to open my Bible again. Pray again. Worship even when I didn’t feel like it. Because I can’t give what I haven’t received, and I was trying to give love, grace, patience—all the things—without going to the One who fuels all of it.

And listen… it wasn’t a magical fix. But something powerful happens when one person chooses humility and courage. It creates a ripple effect. And over time, it pulled us back toward each other.

If you’re in a valley right now, I just want to say—you’re not alone. I’ve been there. A lot of us have. It’s not about getting everything perfect. It’s about taking that first brave step toward each other, and toward God, even when your feelings haven’t caught up yet.

Grace is real. Restoration is real. And choosing love—especially when it’s hard—is always worth it.

You got this. And we’re cheering for you.

Love,
Shannan