Is your Marriage in the Weeds?

Are You in the Weeds of the Conflict?

You know that moment when you and your spouse start arguing about something small—let’s say the dishwasher. Again. And five minutes later, you’re both sighing dramatically, bringing up things from 2009, and wondering why you ever trusted your spouse to load anything besides a cereal bowl?

Welcome to the weeds.

It’s the place where conflicts grow wild, misunderstandings tangle up like vines, and the path forward gets... fuzzy. In marriage, we all land there sometimes. The weeds are familiar territory—but let’s be honest—they’re not where we want to build our tent and camp out.

So let’s ask the question:
Are you in the weeds of the conflict right now?

Have you zoomed in so tight on the issue that you’ve lost the bigger picture?
Have you created a version of this conflict in your mind where it’s now much bigger, scarier, and more threatening than it actually is?

I’ll be the first to admit—when I’m in the heat of the moment, I can convince myself that the way my Javier hangs towels is a reflection of his soul. But when I take a breath, take a step back, and climb out of the weeds? I usually realize... it’s just a towel. He’s not out to get me. He’s just drying his hands and living his life.

That leads us to this game-changing question:
Is the problem really the problem?

Or is it the emotions underneath the problem?
The need to be right?
The desire to feel in control?
The fear of being misunderstood?

Here’s the truth: When we don’t pause to reflect, we tend to react. And when we react from our triggers, we often miss the root cause of the tension entirely.

We might say, “You’re not listening to me,” when what we’re really feeling is, “I don’t feel seen.”
We might criticize how they’re managing the kids or the budget or the calendar, when really we’re thinking, “I feel overwhelmed and I don’t know how to ask for help.”

So what do we do? We get perspective.

We rise above.

We take a bird’s eye view of the situation. Not to ignore the conflict or pretend everything’s fine (this isn’t a call to sweep things under the rug and smile through gritted teeth). But to see the truth more clearly. To understand what’s actually going on—both in ourselves and in our spouse.

From up high, you might see:

• The argument is really about unmet expectations.

• The emotion is less about the socks on the floor and more about feeling unappreciated.

• You’re both carrying stress from other areas of life and unloading it on each other without realizing it.

Getting above the situation doesn’t remove the conflict, but it gives you clarity and compassion. And those two things? They're conflict kryptonite.

So here’s your invitation this week:

💬 The next time a disagreement starts to spiral, stop and ask:

• Am I in the weeds right now?

• Is the thing we’re fighting about really the thing?

• What do I actually need right now? What might my spouse need?

👀 Then zoom out. Get some altitude. Pray. Breathe. Take a lap around the kitchen island if you need to. Look for the story underneath the story.

And finally, remind yourself: You and your spouse are on the same team.

Even if it feels like you’re standing on opposite sides of the battlefield, you’re actually both fighting for something good—connection, peace, unity. Sometimes we just need to lift our heads to remember that.