Nobody wins in a Fake Marriage
Marriage Isn’t About Behavior Modification—It’s About Heart Transformation
If marriage were just about behavior modification, we could slap on some sticky notes with rules and reminders, and—voilà!—a perfectly behaved spouse. “Take out the trash.” “Use a kind tone.” “Say thank you.” “No eye rolls, even if it’s your fifth conversation about the budget this week.”
Easy, right?
Except, not at all.
Because no matter how many communication hacks or conflict resolution skills we learn (and I’m all for learning those!), if the heart behind our actions doesn’t change, we’re just playing a game of pretend—and nobody wins in a fake marriage.
Behavior Modification Says:
“Don’t snap at your spouse.”
“Say ‘I love you’ every day.”
“Ask how their day was.”
These are great behaviors… but without a heart transformation, they can become more about keeping the peace or checking boxes than actually loving and serving your spouse.
Heart Transformation Says:
“God, change my prideful heart that thinks I’m always right.”
“Teach me to love my spouse like You love me—especially when they’re being extra human.”
“Help me forgive, not because they deserve it, but because I’ve been forgiven.”
It’s not about learning the right script—it’s about becoming someone who naturally lives the love you're trying to show.
Real-Life Example:
Let’s say your husband has a habit of leaving his socks on the floor. (Because of course he does.) You’ve asked him to stop. You've made cute signs. You’ve even tried the passive-aggressive sigh. Nothing changes.
Behavior modification might look like him finally picking them up because he knows it’ll keep the peace or avoid a fight. Great! The socks are off the floor. Victory, right?
But if his heart is still resentful, disconnected, or annoyed, guess what? He’s not drawing closer to you—he’s complying to avoid conflict. That’s not intimacy. That’s management.
Now imagine instead, he starts picking up his socks not because you nagged him into submission, but because he genuinely wants to serve you. He’s had a change of heart. Maybe he prayed, “God, help me love my wife in the little things,” and bam—those socks are in the hamper and you feel cherished.
