What If the Problem Isn’t Your Spouse… But You?

Deep breath, this is a tough pill to swallow.

I know this isn't the message that fills comment sections with “Amen!” and fire emojis. But hang with me, because this might just be the turning point your marriage needs.

Let me start with a confession:
There have been seasons in my marriage where I was so hyper-focused on what he wasn’t doing that I completely missed what I wasn’t becoming.

It was easier to point at his attitude than to look at my tone.
Easier to notice his silence than to admit I’d stopped being a safe place to talk.
Easier to pray, “God, change him,” than to whisper, “God, start with me.”

That one still stings.

Now, don’t get me wrong—your spouse might have some real things to work on. We’re not ignoring that. But can I be direct? If you said no, I am anyways!

Sometimes the biggest breakthrough in your marriage won’t come from their transformation, but yours.

Here are three uncomfortable—but life-changing—questions to ask yourself:

1. Am I easy to love right now?

Not: “Am I lovable?”
But: “Am I making it easy to love me?”
Do I encourage more than I critique? Do I invite closeness or build walls with sarcasm, silence, or passive-aggressive comments? Am I giving the same grace I want in return?

2. Would I want to be married to me?

Commence the eye-rolling.
What’s it like to be on the other side of your habits, moods, and patterns?
Do you follow through on what you say? Do you speak life or drain the joy out of the room? Are you a thermostat or a thermometer in your home?

3. Have I made my spouse the villain in a story where I’m always the victim?

Now listen—I’m not saying you don’t have pain or legitimate complaints. There is no marriage that is problem-free.
But sometimes we wear our hurt like armor and script every moment to confirm what we’ve already decided:
"They don’t care."
"They never change."
"They’re the problem."

We then find our circle of yes men who confirm and affirm our victimhood. They tell us we deserve better, that we’re right to feel resentful, and that happiness is the ultimate goal—never mind the covenant we made.

But what if we stopped rehearsing the hurt and started rewriting the story—with ourselves as the first character God wants to grow?

-Shannan Labrador