Unspoken Expectations

Let’s be honest:
Most of us have done it.  I sure have! 

You walk into a conversation with your spouse—not just to talk, but with a desired outcome in mind.

You want to feel heard.
You want to feel affirmed.
You want to feel less alone.
You want them to finally “get it.”

But you never actually say that.  You did not communicate that to your spouse when you started the conversation.

Instead, you circle the topic, hint at the emotion, test the waters—then when the conversation ends and your spouse hasn’t delivered the emotional outcome you were hoping for…

You walk away frustrated. Disappointed. Hurt.
 

And they?
They walk away confused, wondering what just happened.  Have you experienced that?

Expecting your spouse to meet a need you haven’t communicated isn’t just unfair—it’s a trap.

It sets your marriage up for repeated misfires:

• You expect empathy, but you get solutions.
  
  

• You want comfort, but they try to fix.
  
  

• You hoped for closeness, but the tone didn’t match your mood.
  
  

James 4:1-2

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.” — James 4:1-2 (NIV)

James isn’t just talking about war—he’s talking about unmet desires.
He’s talking about how we carry longings, but when they’re unspoken, they lead to frustration and conflict.

Sound familiar?

What if you entered the conversation with something like:

• “I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to hear me and sit with me in it.”
  
  

• “I need to feel seen right now. Can I share what’s going on?”
  
  

• “This is hard for me to talk about, but what would it look like for us to talk about ____?  I hope we can both be heard and come to an agreement of how we moved forward.   Can we do that?

Action Steps: Clear the Air

1. Before the conversation, ask yourself:
   “What am I hoping to feel by the end of this?”  And then share that with them.  Do not get frustrated if they feel they can’t meet whart you hope for.
   
   

2. Name it. Out loud.
   Not dramatically. Not passive-aggressively. Just truthfully.
   
   

3. Don’t expect what you haven’t expressed.
   It's not their job to guess. It's your job to communicate.
   
   

4. Practice grace.
   If it doesn’t go the way you wanted, don’t weaponize the outcome. Use it as an opportunity to grow together.  GRACE. GRACE.
   
   

Marriage thrives on clarity, not confusion.
When you lead with vulnerability, you invite connection.
When you speak your heart with grace, you allow your spouse to meet you there.

So before the next big conversation, ask yourself:
“Have I made clear what I’m actually needing?”

And trust that what you plant in obedience today, God will water with grace for the days to come.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” – Galatians 6:9