labels

We are living in a culture where TikTok therapists, Instagram “healers,” and YouTube “relationship experts” are dishing out bite-sized mental health advice like it’s candy at a parade. And let’s be honest… some of it sounds really good.

Let’s get real for a minute.

It has become the norm and even trendy to label your spouse.
“Narcissist.”
“Manipulator.”
“Emotionally abusive.”
“Gaslighter.”
“Control freak.”

Those words are heavy—and they’re being thrown around casually, like they’re relationship buzzwords instead of serious, complex realities.

Now hear me clearly:
Real abuse exists.
Real narcissism exists.
And if you're in an unsafe relationship, you need protection, wise counsel, and support—not guilt. (Please, do not stay in danger under the banner of “faith.” Get help.)

But for many couples?
Those labels aren’t rooted in trauma.
They’re rooted in offense.
In misunderstanding.
In hurt feelings.
In selfishness that goes both ways.

Sometimes we label our spouse not because they're truly abusive—but because they won’t agree with us.
Because they triggered our insecurity.
Because they didn't say it the way we wanted.
Because they called out something in us we didn’t want to face.

And once you slap a label on someone, it becomes very hard to love them like Christ does.
We stop seeing them as our partner. We start seeing them as our enemy.
And before long, the marriage feels like a courtroom—one of you always the defendant, the other always the judge. Ann Burkhardt says, your marriage loses when you become a lawyer and not a lover.

That’s not love.
That’s not covenant.
That’s not the way of Jesus.

So what do we do instead?

1. Use language that invites growth, not warfare.

Instead of saying, “You’re a narcissist,” try, “I feel unseen and dismissed in our conversations. Can we talk about that?”
One invites connection. The other builds a wall.

2. Check your own heart before diagnosing theirs.

We’ve all got a little selfishness the size of Arkansas in us. A little pride. A little "my way or the highway."
Before you grab the label-maker, ask God: “Search me. Heal me. Show me where I need to grow.”

3. Remember who the real enemy is.

It’s not your spouse.
Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we don’t fight flesh and blood. The enemy would love to keep you focused on your spouse’s flaws so you never deal with your own.

4. Speak identity, not accusation.

What if you started calling out the gold in them instead of throwing stones?
“You’re better than that.”
“I know you want to lead our family well.”
“I see God working in you.”

That’s not denial. That’s faith. That’s choosing to speak life when you could speak labels.

Marriage isn’t about perfect people—it’s about two broken people choosing grace over blame, love over labels, growth over assumptions.

Let’s be careful with our words. Let’s be prayerful with our assessments. And let’s be people who fight for our marriages, not against our spouse.

Stop running to social media to diagnose your spouse.
Love sets people free.